Rupert, 60
Rupert has lived alone for two years and feels very lonely: “I deserve this loneliness, it’s my penance I’ve never been alone before but it’s something I have to do. I don’t want it to continue, I want to make someone else happy.
As an only child of Jamaican parents Rupert was surrounded by criminal gangs. His father was a disciplinarian and Rupert ran away aged 16. Juvenile crime led him joining a group of burglars. He also started dealing and using drugs, kidnapping taxi drivers to extort money to pay for them. He subsequently served five years in prison.
A psychotic episode started Rupert on the road to rehabilitation and he is now a voluntary worker for an addiction charity: “My whole life fell into a pit and made me realise what a horrible person I was.”
He runs to keep his weight down but spends much of each day in front of the TV unless he can take his two younger children to school. He then sees largely empty days stretching ahead: “Although I talk to people, I don’t know them. There’s no intimacy it’s like living in a desert.”
Grazyna, 58
Grazyna is overcome with feelings of loneliness and sadness most days She has lived alone with two chihuahuas for three years following an amicable divorce.
Grazyna does not like living alone, adding, “I’m a better person when I’m in a relationship”. Although she has had two positive online dating experiences she describes the experience overall as horrendous. She values good manners and the female role of homemaker, which she knows may be considered old fashioned today. However, she would rather be on her own than compromise.
She has a small social circle and describes herself as ‘emotionally soft’ She responds to feeling sad by pulling herself together, not because she necessarily wants to but because no one else will. Grazyna is terrified about getting old and worries about her health: a brother died from cancer aged 47 and her mother had dementia. However, whilst Grazyna acknowledges that she’s lucky with having her own home, dogs, and friends she cannot help feeling sorry for herself.
Edward, 78
Edward has lived alone and suffered from depression all his life, which included stays in a psychiatric hospital. Depression and a fear of death have been ever present.
He finds the winter months worse and often wakes in the night feeling anxious and lonely. To combat his depression he walks every day and does muscle strengthening exercises. He also eats healthily, having his last meal of the day early so he can practice intermittent fasting. His aim is to become stronger and healthier: “Whatever you do, you have to keep moving.” He has no television, considering it a waste of money, and instead listens to the radio and reads, mainly biographies.
Reflecting on his life of depression and associated fears, Eddie says that it is only now that he is beginning to understand himself. He has never married and following the death of his sister he has no immediate family, other than distant relations with whom he’s not in contact. Other than reading and the radio, he meets regularly with one close friend and a befriending volunteer who visits weekly.
Jean, 34
Born in Malawi, Jean has lived in the UK since 2005 and is studying to become a solicitor. Her mother and two siblings live in Malawi; her father died in 2018.
Jean has lived alone since 2014, describing her life as in progress and unfulfilled. She thinks about the possibility of her life being different, for example, having a partner and children but she’s aware time is passing her by. Her last relationship was in 2016. Although she identifies as Black African, she is open minded about the nationality of a potential partner as long as her African culture and Christian faith are acknowledged.
A friend lived in her spare room for a time but left in 2021, and Jean sometimes experiences pangs of loneliness when she walks past the door of the room. She also experiences feelings of loneliness at other times, which she works at dispelling: “I shut down my negative thoughts by keeping busy and praying, focusing on what I have in my life.” She may also walk or watch TV and within a couple of hours she has bounced back.
John, 82
John has lived alone since his wife of fifty seven years died three years ago. Although there are very few days when he doesn’t speak to someone he nevertheless feels lonely every day, especially during the evenings.
A retired police officer, he finds each day difficult, trying to fill them with hum drum activities such as shopping. He also walks every day but returns to his empty house, “I cannot stand the silence, I have to have something on in the background, the TV or radio or music centre”. He has no hobbies although he used to be an avid reader but these days he struggles to get through a couple of chapters before losing concentration. It’s the same when watching television.
He attends a bereavement group and meets a group of friends weekly. His speaks with his daughter on the telephone daily and his son weekly. John and his wife were close, sitting together on the sofa to watch television, and holding hands when they were out. They were also enthusiastic travelling, holidaying abroad regularly.
Since he’s been on his own he views the world as made for couples because he feels the odd one out when he occasionally socialises. He worries about having to make decisions on his own, and reflects it’s because he’s now lacking in confidence.
Joan, 73
Joan describes her marriage as an interlude between two periods of living alone: before and after her husband John, who died in 1997 after 15 years of marriage. She is happy living alone, which she attributes to being an only child. She loves having her own space, the solitude and quiet, and the flexibility to spend her time as she wishes.
Joan had a successful career as a University Professor and in wider public services, for which she was made a Dame in the Queen’s honours list. On retirement Joan took a master’s degree in visual arts and now pursues her passion for book art and printmaking. She meets friends regularly, whilst the rest of the time she ‘gently potters’, caring for her garden tubs, making art, reading, watching television with her evening glass of wine, or going to the theatre or a concert.
By her own admission Joan is an introvert, believing that makes it easier to live alone. She argues that living in a cosmopolitan and liberal city also makes it easier for single people to live alone, compared to the conservatism of more provincial cities she experienced during her academic career. She argues, “The context of where you live matters because it influences how you can live your life.”
Dominic, 53
A lonely child who felt stifled by his parents partly accounts for the shaping of Dominic’s life. From an early age he began withdrawing from the relationship with his parents, leaving home as soon as he could.
His current relationship started in 2012 and although he and his partner tried living together, they live apart to make it easier managing children. Dominic’s childhood experience as a ‘loner’ is mirrored in his adult life. Rather than friends he has ‘situational acquaintances’ related to his interests: photography, cycling and music. Dominic’s partner is similar and when they are together they don’t socialise with others. However, recognising the potential impact of his upbringing on his adult daughter, Dominic undertook cognitive analytic therapy.
Dominic enjoys living by himself and even though he is in a relationship, loneliness is ever present, describing it as a “low level hum, rather like the aches and pains associated with getting older, always present”’.
He feels lonely most acutely when coming home to an empty house, exemplified by arriving home after being away for three weeks to discover his phone had been called just once - by his mother.
Sammi, 54
Sammi has lived alone for nine years with her corgi, Candle, following divorce after twenty-four years of marriage. She was a stepmother who also wanted her own children, but they didn’t happen.
Sammi experiences loneliness weekly, describing it as feelings of desperation and ‘unwantedness’. The feelings can last for days but she challenges them by wild water swimming and meeting friends. For much of her life she has felt an outsider, including within her own family, and that nobody cares. A chef who has not worked for three years, in 2015 she was diagnosed with complex post-traumatic stress disorder.
Occasionally, she judges Cardigan Welsh corgis at dog shows and has also taught for The Pony Club. For five years Sammi volunteered with SAGE, the domestic abuse charity because, “Whatever experiences I’ve had in life, I try to give back”. Sammi would like a new relationship but has not sought one, saying she lacks trust because of her marital experience: “Anyone interested in a relationship with me, would really have to want to be in my life”.
James, 91
A retired deep-sea diver and marine engineer, James has lived alone since his wife died in 2021 after 64 years of marriage. He cared for her at home for a year before she moved to a hospice, and her loss has left a large hole in his life.
James and his wife had wanted children, but they didn’t happen. He lived and worked internationally for a time, before returning to the UK to enter management in a company manufacturing breathing apparatus. During this time, he also became the first non-fireman Chairman of the Institute of Fire Engineers.
A former experienced marathon runner, when he retired he started a keep-fit club for older people, which now has over fifty participants. However, his poor knee joints prevent him participating and he now uses a walking aid. This doesn’t stop him keeping active: he works in the garden and gets out weekly to meet five friends.
Despite remaining, James experiences feelings of loneliness, often during the evenings, and despite watching television or reading, the feelings wash over him. However, to have more to look forward to, he recently contacted a befriending service and hopes to have weekly visits from a volunteer.
Karen, 57
Karen is the youngest of nine children and has lived alone since 2020. Her marriage in 1993 produced three children before divorce 28 years later.
Following the divorce, a desire to complete her higher education saw Karen relocate 400 miles, to be closer to her childhood family and she is now partway through a doctorate degree. The relocation generated tensions with her children and repairing the relationships remains ongoing business.
Karen has learnt to live alone but experiences loneliness most evenings. She would like a new relationship but says, “I can’t just stand in the window and expect someone to walk past and be interested in me”. She experiences a small but acute need for interacting with people. She has three close friends and has joined local walking and book groups, and volunteers for the RNLI, where she values being part of a team.
She sums up her feelings with a story of a car driver beeping hello to a friend, which she sees as a metaphor for the future: “I want to live somewhere where I can beep and wave to someone I know when I drive past them”.